I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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