proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
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I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
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Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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