I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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