Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
