sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
