Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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