doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
