How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
