At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
We smell like vodka and hangover
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