So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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