Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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