please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
