dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
