ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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