So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Randomize
