Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
