man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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