well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
