i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
