No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.