Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works