if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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