If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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