You work out of a Hotel?
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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