Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
