True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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