i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
