i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Couch. On fire.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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