my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
