the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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