U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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