Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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