Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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