She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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