There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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