I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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