I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
