My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
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Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
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My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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