he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
