so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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