I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
