i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
