I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
