We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
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He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
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There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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