I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
