Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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