We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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