Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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