This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
