Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
