Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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