nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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