nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
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I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
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I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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