Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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