now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
