my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
