Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize
