He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
