Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Vodka?
Forever.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I forget how to act sober
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