So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
