I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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