omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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